Because there’s the two of us in this circle of flowery words and cloud nines. But we always fail to remember that this circle is also filled with pain. Sometimes, one wrong step can be fixed. Other times, we take one wrong step, and everything falls apart in seconds. We fall into meaninglessness, anger and ignorance. You are probably strong enough to bear the pain. But for me, this pain is unbearable.

Hate is a strong word. Love is a stronger word. And sometimes, loving someone sucks more that hating someone. I wish I can just click undo and all this will be undone and everything just goes back to before. normal. easy and painless.

Dirty Egyptian Smoke.

I was hanging out with the boy and his friends after a little gig I had the other night. The boys were eating their hot wings like beasts (as usual), and the Iranian friend said to my Egyptian boy, ”Ah, and then we’ll have a dirty Egyptian smoke, eh?!” (chuckles). I had no idea what this ‘dirty’ Egyptian smoke they refer to is. So after dinner last night, my boyfriend decided he’ll show me what it is. Turns out, it is a…shall I say, habit?…that Egyptians do. So you smoke a cigarette, right after eating—before washing your hands, or drinking anything. At first I thought, “ew! must taste gross!” But it turned out to be pretty good actually. If you’re a smoker, you should try it. HAHA.

The week of hell is coming up. And I ask of you, please don’t juggle my heart, and decide later, after you tell me a hundred I-love-you(s) and aku-cinta-kamu(s), that you want to just let it drop, flat on the ground. And I ask of you, hold my hand through this. It’s the end of another cycle, and we’ll get to the beginning of a new one just fine. Just hold my hand through this. And secretly, I hope I’m not just in love with how you make me feel, but you. All of you.

I’m chain smoking cigarettes with wrinkles of worry on my forehead. If I hadn’t vowed to myself, I would be gulping refreshing glasses of alcohol. I’m trying to get back on my feet. I said I wanted to know about everything that’s going on, here, there, everywhere. But all I need right now is peace and a push to get to my best. But all I want right now is to be with you, so your arms can protect me. So the warmth of your body can swallow all of my worries.

Roommate Conversation: Two Types of Love

My roommate and I were talking about love. She said, when you fall in love, you either fall for the person, or the feeling that the said person gives you.

Now, one of my best friends recently got back with his ex after a pretty bad breakup where I got dragged along for what I thought was a stupid reason. Now, my first reaction to this news was anger. Because I’ve heard a lot about their relationship, from both the guy and the girl’s side. As a friend, I can’t do anything other than give advices and listen when he has problems with this relationship. All I wanted was for him to figure out if he was in love with this girl, or if he just loves feeling wanted, and having someone i.e: the feeling that this girl gives him. I just hate to see him and her get hurt, over and over again. But both don’t seem to be able to move on. And as someone who listens to all their heartbreak stories, it pisses me off. But, I don’t want to make the mistake of telling them to step away and move on because they just might be the right people for each other.

It’s frustrating sometimes, but I’m staying in the boundaries of my role.

EID MUBARAK TO ALL MY FELLOW MUSLIMS! <3